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It always feels so cheap writing these damn profiles, like I'm trying to sell myself or something. Those of you who know me and come here don’t need to know any of this shit, and I don't know if I care enough about those who don’t know me to make the effort.
I guess I'll keep it simple just in case it does become relevant somehow.
Female, 35 years old, divorced. Avid gamer when I can find a GM, self proclaimed geek. A pacifist who occasionally feels the need to kick the shit out of someone or the desire to blow something up. Pagan leftist if I must be pigeonholed, but with views too eclectic and opposing to fit anywhere comfortably. Ambivalent sexuality, fluid personal style. Insecure with delusions of grandeur.
....there you go....
I'm going to cheat here and run a long quote from one of my newest favorite books, AMERICAN GODS by Neil GaimanIt comes startlingly close to my own views. You can find my own rants in my entries and scattered around
I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if their true or not. I can believe in Santa Clause and the Easter bunny and Marilyn Munro and Elvis. Listen-I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite and the world is run by secret banking cartels and visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkly lemurs and bad ones who mutilate our cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman will come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in Drive-In movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks but I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to sink into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one-day we will be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in The War Of The Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny is in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that its aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time(although if they don’t ever open the box to find out it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal God who cares about me and worries and oversees every single thing I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that someone who claims they know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a babies right to live, that while all life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no-one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that it is a cruel joke, that its what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.
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Friday, November 05, 2004
Ok, this thing has degraded to the point where IF I can access it, I don't get the tags, cant see the buttons and hotpoints, and cant load anything. Screw it. Since I dont know if this is even being posted I'm going to abandon it all together and try something new. Hopefully the new one will be able to be viewd by people in China (damned internet censors) and will be more reliable...sorry all...later. T
Posted at 10:16 am by tamaraleigh
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Saturday, October 02, 2004
There is a tower I can see from my kitchen window that looks like a cross between a Mechanix construction and something out of the movie Metropolis. I enjoy seeing it before I’ve had coffee and woken fully because it is so surreal that it starts my day slightly off kilter.
I feel better when I’m looking at the world from a little left of center. When I allow the flickers of movement at the corners of my eyes to be sprites and dimensional portals rather than blowing garbage, it makes me much happier.
My reality is so much more interesting and varied than the conventionally accepted one. I’ve managed to recognize and categorize most of my delusions, and the really good ones I don’t share. Most of my leisure time is spent in the company of B-grade Horror movie monsters and Science Fiction heroes, and most of my dreams are filled with Aliens and Fantasy scenarios. Really, when you think about it, who wouldn’t rather be trading riddles with the Sphinx than arguing with the plumber?
I don’t think I do too badly fitting in and making myself a ‘productive member of society’, even if I do listen for whispers in my walls. I seem to have a good work ethic (unfortunately better than most of my fellow employees,) and I’m responsible enough that I keep getting promoted (even when I don’t want to be). My bills get paid, I socialize and I don’t wear a tinfoil hat. No one avoids me on the street so the crazy vibe seems hidden pretty well.
What I wonder is, where are the others? I can’t be the only one around who talks to trees or sees the underpinnings of conspiracy in corporately funded wars. Or am I? Seriously, given the statistical mean, the purely numerical function of finding ‘normal’, there should be at least a few million other whackos that aren’t so far gone they’ve been collected and institutionalized.
If you happen to be one, give me the wave next time you see me on the street. I’ll buy you a coffee.
Posted at 07:52 pm by tamaraleigh
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Well, I finaly have ADSL at home, and no more excuses to avoid writing. With a little luck and willpower I may be able to keep my updates regular.
Its been just over a month and I'm well settled. The apartment has shaped up nicely and feels like home. I've got Vivian (my Chinese Sis) and Dodds (a friend from the States) staying with me for now. I don't know what Vivian will decide to do, she's still got some hard choises to make anout wether she should listen to her parents and get married (when she doesn't want to) or still try to go overseas. She may be taking a new journalist job which will allow her to save, but her parents have pretty much cut her out unless she toes the line. I'm trying to talk Dodds into working for Perfect English, but he doesn't sound too enthused, so I'm trying to keep it low key. He still doesn't know what he's doing yet either.
Changchun has turned cold, very quickly. We went from shorts and t's to frost within two days and its been a bit of a shock to my system. I've been on the net looking at Thailand sites, dreaming and planning for Feb. I swear that being able to jump over to Bankok cheap was one of the motivating factors for me to come back, if I can spend a few weeks in a tropical paradise every year I'll count myself very lucky.
Work is stressfull. Noting unusual, but even the usual can be a severe pain in the ass. We had a teacher bail on us after committing, and we'd made plans around her, so she messed us up pretty good. I remember very clearly now why I got out of Human Resources. I'm searching now, so if any of you few who will read this know of someone who would like to experience China learn a lot about teaching, please let me know.
October 1st is National day, so I've got a week off, and I am planning on doing as little as possible.
I've been missing my friends. Some of you I didn't get a chance to see while I was back in Canada, and some of you I didn't get to see enough of. Forgive me.
more later... and more of a narrative than a monologue next time
hugs
Tam
Posted at 06:56 pm by tamaraleigh
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Thursday, August 26, 2004
Hello all,
Well, I'm back. After 23 hours of travel, delayed flights, teething babies, striking caterers (no meals on the plane,) and crowded airports I finaly made it to changchun. I love traveling, but I really don't like flying.
The trip was ok, only a few things made it stand out.
At Beijing airport, fighting through crowds of people to find a ticket to Changchun, I met a ticket scalper. I guess the fact that there were very few seats and I had a language barrier made me look like I would be easy prey. I bartered with them for awhile and finaly decided to tke my chances elsewhere. When I finaly told them no they followed me around as I was looking and eventually offered me the lowest price I said I'd pay, but by then I found a ticket for the same price through a regular dealer. Ha! I'm not so helpless after all, am I?
Waiting for my flight to leave, they changed the boarding gate three times, so I was getting a little concerned. When we were finaly going onto the shuttle to take us out to the plane I reconfirmed with the driver. "Changchun?" "Dui. (Right)" and then when I got to the plane again "Changchun?" and they looked at me like I was crazy "Wo bu ji dao. Changchun ma?' (I dont know...Changchun?) aaarrrgghhh!!
I will try to put my impressions of my vacation together in some rational order and put them down in a blog soon...
gotta go shoping now and try to make my apartment a little more liveable
hugs
T
Posted at 11:31 am by tamaraleigh
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004
I just spent the last 4 days driving down the California coast, camping and sitting on beaches and hugging Redwoods. I was really hoping to meet up with Fernando, but the scheduling just didn't work so I cruised around just hanging out by myself. I left mom at my brothers and got some time by myself. Lots of fun.
The lagoons in northern CA were amazing, the water was all marbled where the fresh met the salt and there was a big line of saltwater fish waiting for the freshwater critters to die. I camped in a place called Trinidad where the redwood stumps were bigger than the car and it smelled heavenly. (this experience had a downside, the 2 guys at the camp next to me were mysoginistic bigots and I had to listen to their hate filled ramblings. scary, bitter, foul, men.)
brief babble
There was a guy selling custom choppers and he had some amazingly beautiful bikes.
I stopped at an artsy little town and had coffee with some cool crafters and wandering artists.
Sea lions eating the scraps from fishing boats, mexican restaurants and getting sunburned while walking in the sand.
Little lizards challenging the birds for sunflowerseeds.
I really have to ride these roads on my bike.
Should be back in Canada in a few days, and at Kats by the 16th or 17th.
Posted at 07:23 am by tamaraleigh
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Posted at 07:28 am by tamaraleigh
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Saturday, August 07, 2004
busy busy busy....
I've been doing the family thing the past week and have been keeping pretty busy. This is a quickie so hang onto your hats for a point by point.
Rafting on the Rouge River, going down rapids in an inflatable Tahiti. Whooo Hooo! I could see myself getting involved in Kyaking (?) as a hobby...
Beaches on the Oregon coast, not as warm as Thailand, but just as beautiful in a differrent way.
Driving through the big hills Oregonians call mountains, nice curvy twisty roads with dense woods stretching away as far as the eye can see.
Redwood forets, dwarfed by the majesty of the trees and wanting to soak into the earth and 'commune' (though that would have been easier without my brothers kids, they do everything at volume 10).
Cultural connections. Saw a really cool collection of shops, craftspeople dedicated to thier art and living around it.
Looking forward to going back to China though. I feel like its more real than my vacation here. I know I've got handfulls of little hassels to deal with back there, but I want to keep moving on.
Posted at 11:54 pm by tamaraleigh
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Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Did you know that a new set of valves cost 400$? did you know that the
winds in The Gorge reach gusts of up to 70km an hour? that I'm too tall
for my bike and sometimes it hurts if I ride more than 5 hours a day?
did you know that 63 percent of all highway accidents with motorcycles
are fatalities, and another 20 percent end in paralization and
mutilation? that I want to spent my time on my bike with no schedule so
I can stop when i want and go where I want and not worry about where I
have to be when? did you know that if you stick close to your mom she
will pay for a lot of stuff and drive half the time? did you know that
time slips away like breath on a high wind and suddenly you're running
out of both time and breath?
anyway, those are the reasons I went down the coast with my Mom in the
car instead of riding my bike. I feel like I chickened out a little and
maybe I did, but I know I'll get the chance again and next time I'll be
better prepared financially, mechanically and physically.
The trip itself was great. One of the things I like best about North
America is the feeling that it's not quite tamed yet. Most of the places
I've been to in the UK, Europe, and even China feel like they have been
civilized to the point of domesticating the land. I can drive for an
hour in Canada (and most of the US) and reach a place where the land
will kill you if you get lost in it. Where nature still rules, and I
feel humbled in her presence. I like that.
Some random impressions
bunnies making a cougar buffet at a campground (Washington)
the sea and sky merging in grey salt mist to obscure the rocky strips of
land jutting into the wet (Oregon)
the smell of pine and ceder filling my head with sweet freedom (Oregon)
tree covered mountains stretching into an impossible distance, each
horizon a new possibility (Montana)
waking up to the sound of the Columbia river roaring by like a freight
train
gotta fly, going to try and contact Jake and Fern today...hugs to all
T
Posted at 12:07 am by tamaraleigh
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
On the road again....
Camping in Banff and BC the last 4 days was great. I got a chance to
put some real miles on the bike and test myself a little as well.
Day one didn't start so great, as it was threatening rain and a little
chilly. You forget how much wind-chill becomes a factor when you are
on a bike. People riding in cars have no idea how 15 c can be cold
when the wind is whipping at you at about 100km an hour. We went up a
nice twisty road through the foothills from Lethbridge into Bragg
Creek then west into Banff. I was stupid enough to lose my new ring,
(the cool criss-cross one) at a gas station, it must have come off
when I took my motorcycle gloves off. We found a really nice
campground in Tunnel Mountain and set up the tent and had camp dinner.
Toured some of the tourist spots, saw the hot springs, the old Indian
trading post etc.I crashed pretty early, I was a little tired and
fresh air and exercise are still new to me. There was the most amazing
thunderstorm that night! The tent was snug and secure but the
lightning was so bright and the rain so fierce I had a few moments
concern. Have you ever seen lightning so bright that it leaves
everything imprinted in negative on your retinas? and thunder so loud
that it knocks the wind out of you? Very cool.
Up and breaking camp early the next day, then into BC and WhiteSwan
National Park where we went to the hot springs for awhile before
camping at Wasa Lake. Yay! mountain lake swimming, love that glacier
fed coolness. A really nice ride through the mountains on the
Crowsnest Pass. Stopping at historic sites like Frank Slide (where
the mountain came down like a tidal wave on a mining town,) Fort
Steele (too expensive) and enjoying the scenery all the way.
We could have made it back that evening, but we took a night at
another camp in Fort McLeod. Just swimming and relaxing and enjoying
being out.
I am starting to miss China a little... weird eh? I miss my friends
there, but I also miss having my own life. ( know that sounds odd,
but somehow here on vacation I feel kind of like I'm living on other
peoples whims, I see them when they can, arrange myself to others
schedules. I know thats the way it has to be but I don't feel as in
control as I did in Changchun.)
I leave for the States in a few days. I'll be going through Spokane
specifically to see Jake (if possible). It will be awesome to see him
again, and wish him well before he goes to New York. I also hope to
see Fernando at Reggae on the River in Garberville around the 8th,
hang with my brother and his kids for awhile before heading back up.
I don't know how often I'll be able to post, but I'll try.
I have some concerns about the bike, but I think the only thing I can
do is say to hell with it and just do it. If it breaks down, it breaks
down, and I'll just have to deal as it happens. (I have some concerns
about me as well, but if I break down, I break down and I'll just have
to deal as it happens.)
hopefully more soon
Tam
Posted at 01:32 am by tamaraleigh
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
I have some really cool friends. I spent last night catching up with
Mikki and Sarah. Sitting in the basement work-room of Sarahs house as
they cut out Hemp for making into festival bags and adding salt for the
dye. Artsy creative stuff done by modern hippies while having great
conversations. I've been invited to do the festival circuit with them
if I ever have the time and am on the same continent. I can see myself
going from FolkFest to FringeFest to South Country Fair (etc), and
selling hemp while meeting the folkies and pretending its 1967. Both
are still really active politically and working hard for the
environment. I'm going to try to set up some sort of system where I
can ship them large quantities of Hemp fabric from China. We have to
try it, to see if it's cost effective at least.
In the last two days I've been to Waterton National Park (one of the
most beautiful places in the Rockies) and Head Smashed In Buffalo
Jump. Yum! Pemmican and Bannok! I've been doing odds and ends trying
to make sure that the piddly little things wrong with the bike don't
turn into big things. (a never ending battle, as with any older
vehicle.)I had some problems with the gas line, but it seems to be
fixed now. There is a tapping noise when its cold that worries
me...any ideas Clay or Chelsea?(68$ an hour labor cost, I knew I was
in the wrong profession! definitely going to invest in a mechanics
course when I get back.)
Plans have had to change a little, I'm heading into the States a
little sooner than I thought, and coming home at least a week before I
leave so I can spend some time with Kat. We haven't had any time
together at all really, due to travel sheduling.I'm still going to try
to see Jake and Fern, but it all depends on how the road treats me and
the bike.
Trying to explain who my new friends are to my old friends has really
made me appreciate the unique qualities of both sets...I'm pretty
lucky.
Posted at 11:59 pm by tamaraleigh
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