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It always feels so cheap writing these damn profiles, like I'm trying to sell myself or something. Those of you who know me and come here don’t need to know any of this shit, and I don't know if I care enough about those who don’t know me to make the effort.
I guess I'll keep it simple just in case it does become relevant somehow.
Female, 35 years old, divorced. Avid gamer when I can find a GM, self proclaimed geek. A pacifist who occasionally feels the need to kick the shit out of someone or the desire to blow something up. Pagan leftist if I must be pigeonholed, but with views too eclectic and opposing to fit anywhere comfortably. Ambivalent sexuality, fluid personal style. Insecure with delusions of grandeur.
....there you go....
I'm going to cheat here and run a long quote from one of my newest favorite books, AMERICAN GODS by Neil GaimanIt comes startlingly close to my own views. You can find my own rants in my entries and scattered around
I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if their true or not. I can believe in Santa Clause and the Easter bunny and Marilyn Munro and Elvis. Listen-I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite and the world is run by secret banking cartels and visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkly lemurs and bad ones who mutilate our cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman will come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in Drive-In movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks but I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to sink into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one-day we will be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in The War Of The Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny is in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that its aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time(although if they don’t ever open the box to find out it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal God who cares about me and worries and oversees every single thing I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that someone who claims they know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a babies right to live, that while all life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no-one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that it is a cruel joke, that its what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.
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Sunday, July 18, 2004
I just had the most amazing weekend. The only thing missing was that
some of my friends couldn't be there.
Cirque De Soliel was brilliant! Magical, whimsical, with a
fascinatingly subtle dark under-tone. The costumes were incredible and
the performances were superb! I left amazed at the feats mere humans can
accomplish. The high wire/rope acts were my favorites I think, but the
tumbling acts followed closely. Beautiful people in top physical
condition trained to accomplish almost unbelievable acts of
coordination, balance and strength. Wow. I wonder what sort of life
these people lead. I imagine a culture unique to themselves and
similar to gypsy /romany, with a generous dash of Dr.Seuss thrown into
the mix. Something I'd like to see more of. (and be more a part of.)
Yesterday was pretty good as well. I finished off the last minute
details for my bike then called my friend Chelsea. We took a short but
wonderful ride to a place just south of the city, Bragg Creek. It is
in the foothills and you can see the mountains growing around you as
you ride. There were a lot of bikes on the road and I was pleasantly
reminded how good it feels to be part of the 'club'. Other bikers will
give you 'the wave', and even if you have an old bike like mine
they'll move to make you parking room, or invite you to share their
picnic table. I've never felt that with motorists, but I did with the
old car enthusiasts when I was driving my van ('54 GMC panel). We went
further into the mountains (nice winding tree-lined road beside the
river) and ended up at Elbow Falls, where we took a short walk along
the Elbow River. It had hailed the night before, so the woods smelled of
fresh earth and pine. The sky seems bigger in Canada, and I know it's
cleaner and a brighter blue. I was again struck by the lack of
garbage. The roadside turn-offs were neat and nicely maintained and
there was very little trash in the ditches. No fields of garbage bags
or drifts of household waste blowing up against the fences. Thank you
Canada and Canadians.
I go back down to Lethbridge today, but I'll be back to Calgary a few
times in the next few weeks. Kat has opened her house to me while I'm
here, and she's gone to the States for two weeks so I'll check on the
cats and have somewhere to crash.
I'm a little worried about my bike on a long haul, but I guess the
only way to find out is to do it. I also have to get my back and knees
used to riding again. My bike is a little small and the seat a little
too far forward for true comfort. Ah well, I know what to look for
when I buy my new one.
I hope you are all enjoying the summer as much as I.
more later....oh ya, My Mom has a scanner so I'll try to add some
pics.
T
Posted at 09:01 pm by tamaraleigh
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
whats different about this picture?
First impressions of Canada at Vancouver airport.
'Wow, there sure are a lot of non-Asian people here.'
I know that Van is a multicultural city, but once I noticed and paid attention I counted at least 8 different noticable nationalities working at the airport itself. Pretty cool. Nobody was staring at anybody because they were a different race and it was all normal.
I was outside between flights and while I was sitting on a bench a Porter came by and picked up some trash from the ground and threw it in the garbage. I smiled at him (a little embarrasssed because I had just steped over it without noticing) and he smiled back and said "It's a Karmic thing, you know?". I do know. And I appreciate it. Thanks for opening my eyes again before I take the cleanliness for granted, or even worse, litter and abuse it.
I also got a little psychotic/delusional. Kat is trying to tell me that I was just overtired but hey... you never know. I have put forward the theory before that there are only really a few thousand people in the world and that they are all actors or extras in the dramma of my life. It's gaining strength. (Megalomania, distorted world view, and delusional narcissism....some fun, hey bambi?) I swear I recognized nearly everyone I saw since I got on the Air Canada flight. The Stewards, the other passengers, the Captain.... One in three faces I knew from somewhere. It got worse when I got off the plane. I'm going to be keeping my eyes open just in case. Either there is a glitch in the matrix, or the blue men are recycling the props too often. Maybe I just caught the Chinese way of thinking that all foreigners look alike...?
The most unpleasant thing so far is how bloody expensive everything is. Thank heaven for generous Moms. I can eat and stay for free and probably get a few unexpected bonuses. I need them if I'm going to be able to make it anywhere on my limited budget this summer.
Please leave a comment if you want me to get ahold of you or if you'd like me to pick you up something while I'm here. (I can access everything again) Carrie, could you please give me the e-mail address for Pierre and Nell?
later.....T
Posted at 02:10 pm by tamaraleigh
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Whoo hoo! I'm home. The trip was awful, as they usually are. (as much as I LOVE traveling, i hate flying ) <br>I boarded the train at 10:20 said a misty goodbye to Viv and Cris and spent a reasonably pleasant 9 hours going to Beijing. The soft sleeper on the Z train was amazing. First class all the way, individual TV's, air con, room enough...in other words, unlike any other train I've been on in China. I had the pleasure of David’s company for the first leg of the trip. (Sweet guy, glad he'll be staying in china so I can hang with him when I get back.) I didn't sleep well, but I was probably excited.<br>Beijing was bad. The humidity was at at least 70% and it was hot, so I was soaked by the time I was less than a block from the train station. It didn't help that I'd over packed my backpack. Foolish girl that I am. I figured I'd save on the extra baggage charge and that I could handle a pack filled with Hemp, Silk and tchachkis. I managed, but only just. The bus to the airport was clean and quick, so no unpleasantness there. Once I got to the airports it was much easier 'cause I could use a buggy. We had coffee and waited in reasonable comfort until David boarded his plane at 11. I spent some time trying to sleep, (in a corner, touching all of my bags at the same time, and with as much of myself back to the wall as possible, you know the old Hobo huddle?) It didn't work so I boarded at 3:00 quite tired. I was unfortunate enough to get an aisle seat so I couldn't sleep properly on the plane either. 12 hours….butt too big for economy seats, shoulders too broad for the backrest, legs too long for economy aisles. Recalculated air, flash frozen food reheated in microwaves, no chance to do anything other than sit and wait. I was so tired by the time I got to Vancouver that I felt nauseous. I paid 25$ for the privilege of a shower and net access, and felt much better for the last leg of the trip to Calgary. We landed safely after some turbulance, and with Katrina waiting for me at arrivals I felt like I had truly come home. I caught up a bit with Kat and Rags and after a dinner of Cannelloni and Calamari chatted all the way to Lethbridge. <br>I’ve been home for less than 24 hours now but feel pretty normal, had my Docs appt and got my temporary license and after writing this I’ll make some calls to let people know I’m here.<br> I’ve got more to say about my impressions re-entering Canada and the psychosis of sleep deprivation, but that can wait for a little while. <br>Love ya, more later<br> T
Posted at 11:54 am by tamaraleigh
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
the little things add up..
Well, here I am only a few days away from returning home and starting to stress. The time warp of combined responsibility and expectation has left me rushing and procrastinating in turns and I can only hope to complete all that needs to be done before I go. ( Mom would say, rushing around like a flea in a fit)
I’ve found another apartment and negotiations are happening as we speak. It’s a three bedroom, but one of the bedrooms is more of a sitting room, big but grotty bathroom, decent sized kitchen, small living room, and small balcony. The bathroom and kitchen really need work, there are no cabinets, the floors are bad, but fixable. I am worried about the hot water heater and water pressure. I would have to rig some sort of shower setup. It’s on the second floor. YAY!
The school wont spring for furniture now as they still have to furnish Kae’s place and I’m not really expected to have a place till September. I don’t understand. They got two new teachers and didn’t plan on places for them to live? If I hadn’t gotten the first place there would have been three girls here for over two months, one sleeping on the couch and unsettled, living out of bags. Highly unacceptable.
My budget is pretty much screwed. I know I’m sacrificing my trip this summer, but I’ll make the best of it. It means Viv has a place to live for the summer and she can oversee the fixing up that can be done while I’m gone. I have to get things like a clothes washing machine, water machine, TV, (though I can do without one of those for a while) blah, blah, blah. With all the negative though I can see it being really cool and fixing up nicely . I can’t really take my furniture from this old place, as Cris and Sonja will need it for the summer, but they’re in for a rude shock when I get back. Nearly 80% of the stuff in this apartment is mine. (Cris knows, but she’ll be gone a week after I arrive. (Sob!))
Listen to me. I’m talking like I already have the place and I don’t even know if our offer will be accepted.
I’m trying to get info from friends when would be a good time to swing by for a visit. To any and all, let me know if you will have some free time this summer and I will make an effort. Fern, at least answer my freaking e-mails. Gail, Janet, all you others who I’d love to see again, let me know what’s up.
Hugs…. T
Posted at 09:41 am by tamaraleigh
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Monday, July 05, 2004
Wowzers, Penny!
Had a great experience last night, one I wish I had had when I first came to China. I went to a bathhouse for a steam, scrub and massage. If I had known it would be so invigorating I would have made it a regular thing, I definitely will when I come back.
First you pay a nominal fee, and if you want you can buy an exfoliation glove, soap and stuff then you get sent to the showers. They are communal, so if you have any body issues, you’d better deal with them quick. You shower and sit in the steam room for a good sweat (so hot and humid I swear my eyeballs were fogging up without the benefit of glasses) then rinse.
Then the experience begins.
I was led to a table covered in saran wrap and lay on my belly while a woman who stood no higher than my chin scrubbed away at every inch of me. (Every inch.)The pressure was almost (but never quite) painful at times and my skin was left red and tingling. I was spun, bent and manipulated till I was done front, back, sides and all parts in-between. Standing up and being sent to the showers again as they sluiced down the table I was able to see all the skin they rubbed off. Gross! I exfoliate pretty much every day in the shower and have good skin so I was shocked at the amount of crumbly little gray skin balls that went whirling into the drains on the floor. Another sweat and back to the table you go. A bottle of milk and honey is mixed in front of you and there is a bowl of sea salt at hand. I spent another half and hour being massaged and scoured. I felt so clean and sparkly when they were done I hated to put on clothes and go out into the air. I will definitely be making it a habit.
I will have to find some sort of substitute while I'm in Canada
Posted at 12:22 pm by tamaraleigh
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
OH Canada, my home and native land....Sending warm thoughts of patriot love to my fellow Canadians, and a big thank you to the land that nurtured me. Thank you for giving me the Cedar Trail in the Rockies, the Aurora Borealis from the deck of a houseboat on the Shuswap, Alberta wheat fields at sunset and the tree frog and loon serenades on Rowan Lake. Thank you for the Hoodoos, the tundra, the glaciers and the coolies. Thank you for the clean air, the crystal lakes, the verdant forests, and the bounty of your harvests. Thank you for teaching me to love the world as my cradle and my sanctuary, my mentor and my guide. In return for all that you have given me I promise to be aware of the damage I do and to try to minimize it. I will try to guide the hands of others to help heal you. I will make an effort to become proactive in the struggle to live at peace with all the children of the world, flora and fauna, sentient and non.
(and thanks Mom and Dad for teaching me to see and respect the beauty all around us.)
There have been some big changes in the last few days. I will no longer be moving into the apartment that I found. Kae will be (a little reluctantly) taking it over. (though they are still looking for a cheaper furnished place.) Sonja is moving in with Cris and I today, and Vivian will be in town tonight. I will be staying here until I go home and when I come back in August I may stay here till the lease is up. I’m a little disappointed at how the school has handled the whole housing issue. It seems like they were putting things off until we had no choices left. I know they are trying to save money for the lean months of summer, but a part of their obligation to their teachers is to provide them with a suitable home. I think they dallied and expected us to be too compliant. I am still looking for my own place, and while I don’t mind sharing with Sonja, it would have been better if the whole thing had been handled more decisively.
I am excited to see Viv again, but this also means our time with Smudge is short. Viv found a friend who will take the cat, and I hope it will be a good new home. I expressed concern when Cris got her, worried about having to place her when we left and not wanting to have the responsibility and heartbreak of giving her up. She is an adolescent cat and annoying at times. I only hope her new family will be patient with her and love her and train her through the spazziness she’s got now.
I am startled to realize I have only 10 days left in China. It’s going so quickly and I have been procrastinating (as usual) so I don’t know if I will be ready to go. Not that I’ve got mountains of things to do, but all the little things that you don’t think about until the last moments add up.
I’m going to do some cleaning before Sonja gets here, so I’d better go.
Love to all
T
Posted at 10:23 am by tamaraleigh
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Monday, June 28, 2004
I got two very pleasant surprises the last few days. Both Paul (aka DJ Nippper) and Janet (aka Cool J) emailed me. Yay! They are two of the people who marked my life while I knew them then moved away form Changchun. Both mentioned that they have enjoyed keeping up with me on the Blog so I guess it's not a total waste of time.
Paul is back in Manchester, hanging with his son and (Hopefully) doing some of his music while preparing to come back to China in fall. I miss Paul because he is one of the few people I felt I could peel open my brain for and who wouldn't be freaked out by all the weird shit going on inside. Probably because he had equally weird shit going on in his head. I could talk to him about aliens, telepathy, junk food, conspiracy theories, addiction, Shinto spirituality, perception, communication, magic, fashion, writing, pretty much anything. He is one of those guys whos brain is stretchy, and can see the world with manifold eyes. I sincerely hope that I will see him again; I know I can learn a lot from him. He's also hella fun. I've got a picture from a game of Charades that still puts me into hysterics.
Janet was also hard to categorize (and I never like categorizing people anyway). She was a bit of a jock, but at the same time was always ready to party hardcore. She wasn't intellectual, but would come up with some amazing revelations. And she was so funny! We would laugh sometimes till we were practically peeing, and our stomachs would hurt the next day. The weirdest bad things would always happen to her but they somehow never turned out bad. When she was waiting for a reply about the new job (teaching in Poland and getting her degree at the same time) she would check her mail at our place. She got a positive reply and while celebrating sent back an expletive filled, crowing letter to a friend in the States, unwittingly also e-mailing it to the director of the school. When she realized what she'd done David could hear her shrieking from the stairwell on the 3rd floor. (I guess the director just made some small comment and passed it off to youthful enthusiasm.) I hope she comes back, or at least keeps in closer touch (HINT!) so that we can hook up later.
We went to the Korean patio restaurant last night. it was nice to be sitting outside with friends and just relaxing. The world has a shortage of Patio restaurants and if you ever find one you should support it wholeheartedly. Unfortunately we ended up at a loud sweaty bar where the men were too aggressive and the dance floor too crowded. I made it an early night.
More later I'm sure. Love to all.
T
Posted at 03:25 pm by tamaraleigh
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Saturday, June 26, 2004
Uncle Bry asked me a question in a recent e-mail, wondering why I would write a journal and expose my life on the net. The answer I think is pretty simple.
When you're living with someone or seeing them regularly, you have little things to keep you connected. Sharing a meal, small talk, watching TV together, all the things that build a bond simply by being in the physical presence of another person. I don't have that with many of the people who are most important to me. To keep connected to them I have to share myself in a different way.
Before I left, for most of my life in fact, I have been a little emotionally distant. I don't share my emotions easily. (stiff upper lip, wot?) A lot of the people who know me, know a part of me, the face I wear in certain situations, with certain people. While it is a true face, it's only a facet.
I have learned that one of the things I despise most, and consider an act of base cowardice is hypocrisy. I am actively trying to eliminate it from my life. (Harder than it seems, considering our society of polite lies and confusing social conventions.) This also means that parts of my life that have been previously unknown to some people are now out there for them to see. I'm not planning on spilling my guts and exposing all my private little secrets, but I wont hide anything either. If they want to see it they can. Sort of a personal 'don't ask don't tell' policy, if you don't want to know don't look, 'cause it'll be there, but I won't be shouting revelations from the rooftops.
The person speaking on this blog is me. A little watered down, but not colored by a desire to conform or a fear of exposure. I have been learning to love myself. All my bumps and warts, and insecurities and nasty habits, my fears and pettiness and ugly thoughts are mixed in with what I consider to be a pretty decent person. The people I love will know this, and accept me for who I am, or they aren't really the people I thought they were in the first place. Most of all, they will know ME. Not just who I think they think I should be. (whew, writing this is a little scary, guess I'm not as advanced along my path to enlightenment as I thought.)
I think the point I'm trying to make is this....I want to share my life with the people I care about, and I care enough about them, and me, to want it to be my real life.
Posted at 01:29 pm by tamaraleigh
Permalink
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Well, the day turned out better than it started. (Thank heavens.)
I now have a new apartment. Helen, one of the office girls, called and told me to come look at some places with her. I left home and walked into a rather amazing downpour of rain. My umbrella (first one I’ve owned in my life,) lasted about 3 blocks before being caught by the wind and folding itself into an exotic weapon. Good for mutilating people, but no good for keeping me dry.
I met Helen and she took me through some scary back alleys into a dingy little building only a few blocks from the school. The only good thing about that apartment was that it was on the third floor. The bathroom had a squat toilet and the floor was rotting out in places, it was small and smelled funny.
No.
I don’t think so.
Walking a few more blocks and succeeding in drenching ourselves even further we met a gentleman who showed us a place he was renting out for a friend. This place was only one block further down the street I’m living on now.
It’s on the seventh floor (oh, my poor knees!) but was much nicer. It is a two bedroom, with a small bathroom, (western toilet and small bathtub) mid sized kitchen and small living room. There is a balcony area off the kitchen and off the small bedroom (which I’ll be using as an office/guest bedroom (maybe for Vivian?)). It has good light, facing south for the bedroom windows and north for the kitchen window. The living room window looks east across the alley to another building, but has generous sill, perfect for plants. I can see trees and rooftops and should get the most of the light in the winter. It has hardwood floors (in poor condition) and the gentleman said he would do some plastering and cleaning and painting. I will be getting a call in about four days to see if it meets my standards. Helen is going to negotiate with him to see if he will provide the appliances. (TV, fridge, washing machine etc.) It has a double burner gas setup in the kitchen and he also said he would put in hot water tanks. The size is good for one person and while I can see a lot of things wrong with it I also have to adjust my sights to Chinese standards. It only costs 900rmb (aprox 150$) and that is good for the area. (Probably has something to do with the 7 flights you have to climb.)
I’m looking forward to fixing it up and fleshing it out and making it mine. (and Cris’ if she stays there over the summer) I can hear the whimpers of my bank account now, and every RMB I spend cuts a few miles off my trip, but I will be living in the place for a year...
I’m going to try to speak to Janet this evening about what is going on with our current place and if we’ll be getting someone in here soon or what. I also need to find out what furniture I can take from here, what they will supply and when. I’m committed now; I’ve paid a deposit. I only hope that a dream apartment doesn’t show up in the next few days to break my heart.
Posted at 05:01 pm by tamaraleigh
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I'm in a bad mood today.
The cat woke me with its incessant Meowing and jumping up onto the bed and my chest then running away. I saw my projected schedule for next year and I have more hours than I was led to believe I would (only by 4 a week, but I'm also going to be going to school 15 hours a week, so I end up working in total more than I was this last term when I got so burned out). The water company came and the landlady hadn't told them we were here so they could bill us monthly, now we owe 2000rmb for the last two years water usage. We still haven't found an apartment, and my budget is getting eaten away piece by piece. I may not even be able to pay for school now (unless I give up my motorcycle trip) and I'll lose my deposit. Jensen was over yesterday to look at the computer and he can't fix the major problems without re-installing the operating system, and of course we don't have the disks. I had to fix the door to the bathroom again last night, (the one someone else has come in and been paid to fix 3 times) and our toilet is acting up again. I lent a few hundred rmb to a friend, who drank it, and it's obvious I won't get it back before I go home. Hengkelong isn't selling my brand of coffee anymore and I'm sure I gained back all the weight I lost. (((edited for content, sorry mom, I forgot that you read this as well))).
(INSERT COLORFUL EXPLETIVE PHRASES HERE, BUT BE AWARE NOTHING YOU CAN THINK OF WILL BE AS FOUL OR OBSENE AS WHAT I JUST SAID AND YOU COULDN'T HEAR.)
later
Posted at 07:58 am by tamaraleigh
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